The irony of someone with depression writing a blog. My depression means I have very little energy or motivation to do anything. Hell, I woke up today and thought to myself I might go to the gym today. It’s now 17:00 and I’m still in my pyjamas, all I’ve done today is cook myself some breakfast, done 2 loads of laundry and binged watched some criminal minds. So I guess the irony is this why start a blog when you just don’t have the motivation or energy to blog!
I started this blog over a month ago, with the plan to write any day I felt particularly down. In the last month that has probably been the majority of the time. As of last year, January became a rather tough time for myself and my family. 2018 was a tough year in general if I’m being honest but we shall get to that another time. January marks a year since losing a family member and a real close family friend only a day apart from each other. If I had been at work maybe it wouldn’t have been so much of a problem, I could have kept myself busy, kept her mind off it. However it just so turned out that those days fell on my days off from work, and the plans I had made those days where cancelled. I didn’t want to spend the day moping around the house feeling sorry for myself and laying in bed crying but that is how my days planned out in the end. Laying in bed like the sad mess I was. Trying desperately to make plans so I didn’t feel so alone. Reaching out to people is hard, admitting to people that you’re not okay is hard, feeling vulnerable is hard. Heck depression is hard! But no matter how hard I tried I inevitably ended up alone still. Sure people where more than willing to talk to me about stuff and make sure I’m okay but when what you really need is someone to be there, with you, in the same room with you it’s not the same. Being scared of what you could do to yourself when you feel that low, when you just want to disappear and start over again is hard. Some people don’t get it when you’re struggling that much, it’s nice to be invited out but when you feel that low you don’t want to leave the house or even leave your bed when what you really need is for someone to come to you. How do you explain that? How do you explain that to someone that doesn’t necessarily understand or get it?
Sometimes I don’t know how I survived 2018 with the amount of loss I experienced… Sometimes I wonder how I’ve survived my depression at all when the reality of the fact is I’ve struggled with my depression for as long as I can remember.. 10 years at least I survived my depression, I never let it win, and let me tell you it’s never been easy. For years I told my mum that I thought there was something wrong with how I was constantly feeling, how I always felt so alone, that I just wanted to disappear constantly. And for years my mum would deny it or try and help me. She’d tell me “you’re always too happy to be depressed” or “don’t be silly you’re fine.” For someone that is supposed to care for you it was always hard to hear, so I learnt to deal with it as best I can until October last year when I finally got to the doctors and got my depression diagnosed. There was some sort of relief being told by the doctors that you have severe depression and anxiety like you wasn’t mad all those years, that you had a reason for constantly feeling like this and finally being able to tell your mum she was wrong. That there was something wrong and you were right.
I think what I’ve learnt more than anything from suffering and having lived with my depression is that I am stronger then I think, I can survive, I have survived. I will continue surviving and will continue to survive and beat my depression. I think that’s one thing everyone that’s struggling with depression struggles to remember. This hasn’t killed you yet, you are stronger than you think!